Facing the Facts

Does it bother you when people post, especially when they post repeatedly, about a pregnancy loss? Do you wonder why they won't just move on and try again? Do you think their loss is sad but aren't sure what you can do to help? Congratulations, you're pretty normal.

Hi, my name is Keenan, and I'm not normal. I'm the father of Kyla, one of the ~24,000 babies who die each year due to stillbirth. That's about 16 times the rate of SIDS deaths, and almost 7 times the rate of combined SUID (Sudden Unexpected Infant Deaths, which includes SIDS).

Here's a picture of my baby girl, taken minutes after she was born. She was dead.

2015 SUID (Sudden Unexpected Infant Deaths; includes SIDS): about 3700. https://www.cdc.gov/sids/data.htm

2013 stillbirths: about 24,000 https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr64/nvsr64_08.pdf

Causes of stillbirth (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html) and: whether or not that was the cause for Kyla's death:

-problems with the baby (birth defects or genetic problems): none known

-problems with placenta or umbilical cord: none known

-certain conditions with the mother (uncontrolled diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, etc): no

Increased risk of stillbirth if the mother is:

-being of black race: no

-being a teenager: no

-being 35 years of age or older: no

-being unmarried: no

-being obese: no

-smoking cigarettes during pregnancy: no

-having certain medical conditions (high blood pressure, diabetes, etc): no

-having multiple pregnancies: no (was only our 2nd total pregnancy)

-having had a previous pregnancy loss: no

So as you can see, according to the CDC, we had an extremely low chance of having a stillbirth. And yet it happened. And still Chelsea found ways to blame herself. She wondered if maybe she didn't follow the pregnancy diet strictly enough (although I have yet to find anybody who follows it more closely than she did then, except perhaps herself after Kyla's death).

In 2010, the fetal loss rate was about 17% of all pregnancies (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr60/nvsr60_07.pdf). This includes miscarriages, which are the often-too-silent part of the pregnancy and childbirth conversation. We've all been trained to not tell people about our pregnancies until after the first trimester because of the greater risk of losing the fetus during that time. But all this does is increase the shame and decrease the conversation around this topic. I guarantee you that you either have had a pregnancy loss or you personally know somebody who has. Don't think you know anybody? Have you asked your parents about their pregnancies? Your aunts and uncles? Your grandparents if they're hopefully still alive? I GUARANTEE you personally know somebody who's had a pregnancy loss.

So that begs the question: why isn't this a bigger part of our daily conversations? Why is it pushed into the "sad corner"? We can all relate on this topic, or we can all learn from somebody who can relate. It's well past time to have these conversations with our family and friends and coworkers and neighbors.

But how do you have those conversations? Do you walk up to everybody you know and say, "Hey, have you ever had a pregnancy loss?" Well ... maybe, depending on the person. They might actually really appreciate the blunt approach. Most of us really want to talk about our lost babies. Most of us want the acknowledgement of those lives snuffed out before they had a chance. Most of us just desperately wish that we could talk about our children without the air getting sucked out of the room every time we happen to mention that they're dead. And I think a lot of that just comes from our grief: we wish they were here. If Kyla were here, of course it wouldn't be awkward for us to talk about her. Quite the opposite actually. But somehow, because she's dead, it's all tiptoes and silence.

If you can immediately think of that somebody who you personally know has had a pregnancy loss, call them today. Right now. Send them a text or something. Say hi. Tell them you were thinking about them. Tell them you're sorry their child died. Ask them if they'd like to talk about it. Remember the important days in that child's life, such as death date and original due date, and send your friend/relative a card or a note on that day. Every. Single. Year. For the rest of their life. They'll love you for it, I promise.

Dante

    

On January 29, 2018, I had to take Dante to the vet to put him down. Sadly, he couldn't really walk without assistance, had lost a lot of weight, and he seemed really sad. It broke my heart when he would fall down. It was a very emotional decision to make and a challenging day when it arrived. Mom came to Ames so she could go and be with Dante when he died. He was as much her dog as he was mine. He looked forward to her visits and was upset for a while after she left. She had him while I was in college as I wanted him to have a yard to run in. Like any grandma, she liked to spoil him with lots of treats.
      Dante was 15.  He lived though a lot of big events in my life and helped me though some of the tough ones. As any dog owner knows, they are the most generous and loving creatures. They will give you everything they have and more.
       I got Dante while I was working my first job at a local vet in Ottumwa in 2004. He was a runaway and was picked up by the sheriff of all people. He was bound for the local shelter but I fell in love with his sweet nature and beautiful eyes (they were 2 different colors).  Shortly after getting him, my dad died. It was really nice to have someone to talk to that was not going to judge me but would just snuggle and listen.
     In high school, I liked to drive around with Dante; he was my first baby! He was always ready to go for a ride. Sometimes we would just drive around and take pictures, split a scone at the coffee shop, or go for a walk somewhere new.  He was a strange dog but I didn't really want a normal one anyway. He thought that he was a person and liked to do things like sit in a chair at the kitchen table, sleep all snuggled up on the couch, and he rarely barked. When he did, it was typically 1 loud bark. He took great offense if dogs barked in his face, as I think many of us would. He didn't really understand the whole "fetch" thing and looked sad if you threw his toy. He liked to just carry stuffed toys around but quit doing it as he got older.
     Dante grew up with 3 other dogs; I guess they were his pack. Bosco (my sister's 130 lb german shepherd, died at age 7), Sonny (a wiry black schnauzer that he liked to wrestle with), and Maggie (a golden corgi).  He outlived them all, but they sure had a lot of fun playing together.
       One of Dante's favorite things was SNOW! He loved it! In his youth he really moved fast and could jump garden fences, race around the yard fast, and bounce around in the snow. He loved to eat it, too. Dogs are really like kids sometimes. I loved this dog so much. Before I got married, he slept in my bed and snuggled with me on the couch to watch movies.
     When I was pregnant with Riley, he tore his CCL (basically the same as our ACL) then had to have surgery and go though rehabilitation.  I was really worried about him because he was a quiet dog and didn't have a flare for the dramatic, so if he was acting hurt, something was really wrong.  When the vet was showing me the x-rays he brought to my attention that Dante had a BB in his leg. Someone had shot him before I had him and I never knew.
      Dante didn't really pay attention to where he was going (I did see him walk into a wall once, only once) and would just walk through people instead of around them, which was troublesome with kids, but he was otherwise a kind and loving, but clumsy, dog. He wasn't sure what was going on when we started having kids. There is one picture that I love of a young Riley petting him and probably pulling hair and his face is saying, "Please help me, what is this thing?".  I feel badly about it, but because he was always knocking them down I kept him to his blanket sometimes, usually when the house was full with more people.
      As I have strolled down memory lane it has been brought to my attention how much Dante had changed and how old he really was.  He was no longer able to do some of the things of his youth but I didn't notice until I was thinking about it. I also noticed the difference when I was dog-sitting for a neighbor with a dog who was much younger. The energy level was so different. I guess it was time, but I wasn't ready, even though I thought I could prepare my mind for letting him go.  

     I loved Dante very much.  He was with me when my dad died, when I graduated high school, then college, becoming a wife, becoming a homeowner, becoming a mom, losing Kyla and so much more. He always greeted me at the door and was happy to see me until he couldn't get up to do it anymore. He was a constant comforting presence in my life, and I mourn the loss of not having him anymore.  He was a great dog and could never be replaced.

My senior picture with Dante

Getting muddy shortly after I got him!

  

This is Dante and Sonny

Dante and Bosco

He had a kennel in my room when I first got him but ended up in my bed, he whined at night at first.

Dante playing in the snow at Mom's house in his younger days

Dante with snow on his nose, taken at the same time as above photo

My Christmas doggie!

He always liked to be snuggled close

This was our family picture at Ledges Park, taken by Andrew Koppenhaver

The spring after the above picture was taken, this happened to his life.

I love the look on his face, Riley is so happy though!

 This picture was taken the day before I took him into the vet.

Kyla's 4th Birthday

         Jan, 16 2018 marks 4 years since we got to meet our darling 2nd daughter. It is also the date that we had to try to say goodbye.  It was excruciating to leave that hospital without her and I wish I could hold her again.  We all love Kyla and think of her often and how our life changed that January. I think about how I should be enrolling her into preschool right now for the fall.  What would her favorite food be? Would she be taller than Riley?

       I have 4 kids and I am heartbroken that I cannot give Kyla a kiss at night or teach her the alphabet, like I get to with the others. Just writing this is killing me but it is also a way that I get to be her voice because I don't want her to be forgotten. I like talking and sharing about all of my kids.
 
    Each year we release balloons as a way of celebrating and remembering her.  This year August picked 2 and Riley picked 2. I inflated them and Riley, August and Nora were really excited. We released them on a weekend so we could all be there. Nora is sick so she was napping during the pictures.

             We Love you Kyla
       

I have heard Riley talking to August and I think that she thinks that Kyla really gets the balloons. 












   


    This past week Keenan and I also learned we have influenza A so it was an exhausting one. I came down with it late Monday afternoon in the forms of chills and Keenan the next day. I couldn't figure out why I just wanted to sit down when I was supposed to be making dinner. On Wednesday morning I made an appointment and Keenan and I went together, yup, Influenza A. Great.  I was worried about the kids getting it. They had all received their flu shots but could still get it. Thursday evening Nora had a cough and a high fever by Friday afternoon so I took her to the Dr. and started her on Tamiflu. She does not approve of the medicine but is doing better. Yesterday, Sunday, she didn't have a fever so I am just keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn't get any of those scary secondary infections everyone is talking about.  She is so exhausted and has been taking an extra nap lately.
    For the most part Keenan and I are feeling better but the fatigue that comes with the flu could last for a month. I realize that every time I have to mop or cook dinner.  I am not running at full speed yet.

Snow Day: January 11

Snow days are for snuggling on the couch, reading, watching movies, playing in the snow, and not going anywhere.  After a leisurely breakfast we watched, "Lilo and Stitch" and I made a second cup of coffee. Pretty great morning!

This is how a lot of pictures turn out now that Nora walks pretty fast!

Riley was playing dress up with her doll Molly

        

     The kids had a lot of fun running around and playing dress up and yet again having another dance party. It has been really helpful to have a CD player that Riley can reach and use all on her own. I think Nora looks a bit like a broccoli floret in that shirt, maybe that will help her on a subconscious level to be a healthy eater. Right now she will eat pretty much anything.

This was something special for Keenan when he got home

 
       The day went pretty well until after nap time...we have been having a pantry theft problem and I maybe caught Riley and August behind the couch eating gummy worms. I was downstairs sewing some pillowcases and they were down there playing. I guess I know the real reason they went upstairs. Lets just say it didn't go over well and I hope that problem is over. At least the pillow cases turned out really cute!

August is 3!

August's 3rd Birthday Party- Jan, 6 2018

I know I say it every year, but wow. 3 really. He is still my baby so I am sure this isn't right. 

    While August still lets me hold him like a baby sometimes and gives the best hugs, I guess he is growing up. If I were to put him in that basket now I am sure that it would break! I love all of my kids and I love the uniqueness in each personality.  August is so warm and snugly but he is also not a morning guy. He takes a while to wake up in the morning and if you try to rush him, he just ends up crying. In the morning or after nap, instead of greeting him then immediately telling him to go to the bathroom or issuing what I need him to do, I ask for a hug and tell him I love him. Then after a minute or so of snuggling he is much more happy to start the day, he just needs more time.  
    I enjoy listening to August play, when he does not know that I am there. He can role play with his toys for hours, it is fun to listen to the elaborate story lines that he invents.  He loves his little people, his cars, stuffed animals, and can make a fun world with any of them.  He also loves to sing and read. I cannot typically get him to sing with me in the car, but again, when he is just playing I hear him sing all the time, so I know he is listening.  He will also sit down with a book and read as many parts that he can remember and make up the rest!
   August has such a sweet tooth and loves any treats.  His favorites are Kit Kats but he has been loving having leftover birthday cupcakes around. Although yesterday I went outside to check on Quinn (Outdoor cat) and he was under the kitchen table eating one. Oops. I was trying to check things off my list and probably shouldn't have left the room during lunch. Guess he didn't think I would find him in that hiding place or notice that he didn't actually finish his soup. "Sighs", oh August.
    Oh, after sledding at Grandma and Papas at Christmas August learned a new word,  amazing. He is still telling me, " Mommy, sledding was amazing". After he came inside that day he said it over and over! He was over the moon about going sledding. We didn't really get much snow last year and he was a baby before that. He has also been requesting that I put the Christmas tree back up and doesn't seem to understand why I am so stuck on waiting until next December.
  I am sure that there are many other stories that I cannot think of right now but I love this boy so much and can't wait to see what he is going to come up with next! May this next year slow down a bit.

Riley's Art Corner

The first 2 were something that Riley made as a Christmas gift to Aunt Stacy! I thought it was so sweet. I was painting a new decoration that looked like a wreath for Stacy and Riley put her own spin on it and used more colors because that's how she would have made it.

 Riley was also helping to make Christmas decorations for the house! She made a few cupcake ornaments too but those may have gotten ripped up by the baby.

The next two pages were stapled together. It is a storyline she brought home in her backpack. It Says" I wint to Grama and Papas Haos". The next page is a picture of the haos( house). The bottom picture is of the back of the house, the deck on top is all of the vertical line and the sliding door on the bottom. She has been sounding out words and writing daily.  It is fun to see the progress!

This one is of Grandma Nancy's house. The left window has a table and chairs like you can see through her big kitchen window and the right window is a drawing of a couch. Cute!

Giraffe( I have been told that the other eye is on the other side)

Frog on a lily pad

Gift

 

Snowman

This is a Halloween house with a bunch of decorations

Some of her classmates names

Mommy in a blue striped shirt that I wear often

Rainbow

a very colorful " I love you mommy and daddy"

 

 

 

 

Bus

 

 

 

 

 

Our van

School was cancelled today so I am going to go and watch a movie with the kids and not leave the house today!