I Hugged A Stranger Today

I hugged a stranger today. It was ... well, strange. It's not what I'm used to, it's not who I was before Kyla died.

She was probably a few years older than my parents. She had glasses and wonderfully graying, curly hair. (This is where good writers can make you feel like you know the person by describing their appearance through a beautiful combination of metaphors and visceral descriptions, but I'm not the best visual assessor of people's appearances, so I don't remember much else - sorry.) She came in to get some copies, pretty straightforward stuff. Black and white, regular paper, nothing fancy. As she started to show me what she needed done, she told me her father had just died and she needed to get copies of these things for life insurance, etc. I said I was sorry to hear that, then proceeded to make her copies. Like I said, simple stuff. Took me less than 3-4 minutes.

When I came back to the counter to hand her back the originals and the new copies, she had a credit card and her ID sitting there on the counter, ready for payment time. I looked at her and said, "This one's on me."
She looked a little confused, and I was already planning on explaining why, so I continued. "Back in January ..."
She interrupted, "Oh, you're going to make me cry."
"Sorry," I said, smiling in spite of it all. "I probably am. Back in January, our second daughter was stillborn." She looked at me with a look of pure sympathy, tears welling in her eyes. I swear she let out something like a sob or a whimper. "The funeral home didn't charge us for anything. I would have paid it, whatever it took - she was my daughter - but they did it free of charge. And I just know that meant so much to me."

Come to find out, she's got a Notebook-esque deathbed tale to tell about her father. He was 89 when he died. About 4 years ago, he had a stroke. It was a bad one, left him virtually unable to speak or walk and he'd been living like that since. But his mind was still there. And he really, really loved his wife - so much so that, two minutes before he died, he kissed his wife goodbye.

Oof. That one punched me in the chest cavity. I've tasted the hollow bitterness of loss, and now I am different, like it or not. I used to make copies for funerals and whatnot and I'd almost always give them a discount or not charge them, but I've never done it like this. Today that woman and I shared a connection of grief that I didn't know existed 11 months ago. Today we hugged, and I don't even know her name. Today I felt more like me than I normally do. The real me wants to talk about Kyla. The real me wants to cry and hold her and Chelsea and Riley. The real me wants to hug people I barely know because they've lost a child, too. Yet sometimes I push the real me back, stuff him underneath my introverted nature, hide him from the world. Sometimes I smile and talk about Chelsea's current pregnancy, extinguishing the burning desire inside that wants to talk about why we're already onto our 3rd child. But sometimes you've just gotta do that kind of stuff. Sometimes people don't want to know that you're forever in pain, floating on a wisp of hope for the next baby. Sometimes people just want to complain about how goddamned cold it is (and I'm happy to join in on that conversation, to be honest). Sometimes people want to be abrupt and harsh like I'm an idiot that doesn't know how to do his job. That's the way it goes. So sometimes I'm me, sometimes I'm not. I guess that's just who I am now.

Home renovations and 30 weeks pregnant

       There is a hole in the house!

When Keenan and I purchased this house we didn't love that there was a sliding glass door in the smallest middle bedroom, as it would probably be a kids room someday.  That day has come, I am too worried about this new baby and want it to have its own room for at least the first year before it rooms with Riley. 
       Come to find out, not only is there a door in the middle bedroom to the backyard but it also leaks a lot of air.  I always keep the door to that room shut because otherwise it makes the rest of the house cold or hot. We discussed a lot of possible options but it was mostly just dreaming. Jon and Sheryl said that it was possible to do a number of things to relocate the door and make the house more energy efficient in the process. We thought about a number of plans and which ones would be most cost effective. Keenan made up some plans on the computer to show all of the options we had.  We decided on putting a normal door in our bedroom heading straight out to the backyard because it would look the least strange for the next owners of this house.  
        However this plan had one little problem. There is a gas meter right below the window where the new door is to go out. It's costly but our best option. So now we have been getting it set up with Alliant Energy to move the meter and with Haselhoff Air Solutions to connect it on the inside of the house. Keenan has been dealing with the fun of applying for permits for the work we need to do. This involves having the city come to inspect that the job is being done properly at different stages of the job. It all seems to be going pretty well, Jon and Sheryl have been such a help for this entire thing as neither Keenan nor I are handy people.  Tomorrow is the day Alliant is to come and start moving the meter, I am excited to see this project move a little more. It sure is going to be noisy here tomorrow. Our yard has a million tiny flags in it stating where the gas line is, where it's going to go, buried cable, buried electric and who knows what else.

 30 weeks

 As of today I am 30 weeks pregnant and while I thought I was doing pretty well mentally I guess I am struggling more than I realized. I noticed this when I checked for the baby's heartbeat 3 days in a row. I haven't checked for it much because the baby has been moving enough throughout the day and I have been doing my kick counts every night. Kyla died at this point in the pregnancy and it is probably just getting to me. I thought about her a lot today. I am happy for this baby and hope that I get to meet him/her in January.  Today reminded me of Kyla and what I didn't get with her and I found myself mourning that day all over again and wondering what went wrong.  I thought about the morning of that appointment and being in the shower and pushing on my belly trying to get her to move. I was concerned but ultimately decided that I was just being paranoid.  I wasn't being paranoid and I remember having to call Keenan from that little exam room to tell him that his baby had died, I remember apologizing because at that point I was shocked and confused and certain that it was something that I did.  It still bothers me that I don't know and will never know. Every time I go in for an appointment, the midwives try to be very reassuring and tell me that it is unlikely to happen again.
      It makes me happy to make things for the new baby.  Keeps me involved and loving this new life. I am currently working on some fitted newborn diapers out of old t-shirts. It is fun to learn a few new techniques. Have you ever tried sewing blind elastic? It is where you sew a piece of elastic between layers of fabric. It's weird but not impossible. It's tricky to make sure I am always holding it in the right place. I also have some cute tiny shoes waiting for this new person. I made a little pair in each gender about the size of Riley's newborn footprint stamp.  If this baby ends up being close to the same size they should fit. 
      I had fun recently learning to sew a garment. I made some nursing shirts on the serger and they actually turned out pretty nice considering I have very little experience with patterns or a serger, but I am learning. I hope to order some interesting fabric soon, there is not a lot to choose from in knits at the local stores.

 I made Riley some playdough this week and she has really been enjoying getting her kitchen stuff out and playing with it.

just snuggling