Facing the Facts

Does it bother you when people post, especially when they post repeatedly, about a pregnancy loss? Do you wonder why they won't just move on and try again? Do you think their loss is sad but aren't sure what you can do to help? Congratulations, you're pretty normal.

Hi, my name is Keenan, and I'm not normal. I'm the father of Kyla, one of the ~24,000 babies who die each year due to stillbirth. That's about 16 times the rate of SIDS deaths, and almost 7 times the rate of combined SUID (Sudden Unexpected Infant Deaths, which includes SIDS).

Here's a picture of my baby girl, taken minutes after she was born. She was dead.

2015 SUID (Sudden Unexpected Infant Deaths; includes SIDS): about 3700. https://www.cdc.gov/sids/data.htm

2013 stillbirths: about 24,000 https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr64/nvsr64_08.pdf

Causes of stillbirth (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html) and: whether or not that was the cause for Kyla's death:

-problems with the baby (birth defects or genetic problems): none known

-problems with placenta or umbilical cord: none known

-certain conditions with the mother (uncontrolled diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, etc): no

Increased risk of stillbirth if the mother is:

-being of black race: no

-being a teenager: no

-being 35 years of age or older: no

-being unmarried: no

-being obese: no

-smoking cigarettes during pregnancy: no

-having certain medical conditions (high blood pressure, diabetes, etc): no

-having multiple pregnancies: no (was only our 2nd total pregnancy)

-having had a previous pregnancy loss: no

So as you can see, according to the CDC, we had an extremely low chance of having a stillbirth. And yet it happened. And still Chelsea found ways to blame herself. She wondered if maybe she didn't follow the pregnancy diet strictly enough (although I have yet to find anybody who follows it more closely than she did then, except perhaps herself after Kyla's death).

In 2010, the fetal loss rate was about 17% of all pregnancies (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr60/nvsr60_07.pdf). This includes miscarriages, which are the often-too-silent part of the pregnancy and childbirth conversation. We've all been trained to not tell people about our pregnancies until after the first trimester because of the greater risk of losing the fetus during that time. But all this does is increase the shame and decrease the conversation around this topic. I guarantee you that you either have had a pregnancy loss or you personally know somebody who has. Don't think you know anybody? Have you asked your parents about their pregnancies? Your aunts and uncles? Your grandparents if they're hopefully still alive? I GUARANTEE you personally know somebody who's had a pregnancy loss.

So that begs the question: why isn't this a bigger part of our daily conversations? Why is it pushed into the "sad corner"? We can all relate on this topic, or we can all learn from somebody who can relate. It's well past time to have these conversations with our family and friends and coworkers and neighbors.

But how do you have those conversations? Do you walk up to everybody you know and say, "Hey, have you ever had a pregnancy loss?" Well ... maybe, depending on the person. They might actually really appreciate the blunt approach. Most of us really want to talk about our lost babies. Most of us want the acknowledgement of those lives snuffed out before they had a chance. Most of us just desperately wish that we could talk about our children without the air getting sucked out of the room every time we happen to mention that they're dead. And I think a lot of that just comes from our grief: we wish they were here. If Kyla were here, of course it wouldn't be awkward for us to talk about her. Quite the opposite actually. But somehow, because she's dead, it's all tiptoes and silence.

If you can immediately think of that somebody who you personally know has had a pregnancy loss, call them today. Right now. Send them a text or something. Say hi. Tell them you were thinking about them. Tell them you're sorry their child died. Ask them if they'd like to talk about it. Remember the important days in that child's life, such as death date and original due date, and send your friend/relative a card or a note on that day. Every. Single. Year. For the rest of their life. They'll love you for it, I promise.