34 Week Ultrasound

        On Friday I had an ultrasound scheduled at McFarland Clinic in Ames. Keenan and I were both excited and nervous to see how our baby was doing.  The Ultrasound was to do a growth check and amniotic fluid check to make sure that he/she is developing correctly. The results of the ultrasound showed that our baby's head had grown fine but the abdomen and femur measurements were very small. The amniotic fluid was at a good level. The doctor and the midwives both looked at the results and didn't like them but they wouldn't really tell me what it meant. They mentioned using a special ultrasound machine that would watch the blood flow in the cord to check if he/she was getting proper nutrition and mentioned that our baby could safely come anytime after 34 weeks if necessary.  This statement only alarmed me more. Ultimately they decided to schedule another appointment at the perinatal clinic at Mercy in Des Moines.
        McFarland called later that afternoon to tell me there was an appointment available Monday and I took it.  We spent the weekend worried about the possible outcomes of this pregnancy.  I wanted to hear better better news and wondered why our baby wasn't growing well. After all, I had again followed all of the silly pregnancy rules, often to the extreme. I just want a fat crying baby on delivery day, how hard is that?!
     Monday finally rolls around and we get into yet again another ultrasound room and we are prepared for this to go both ways.  I want to hear better news of course, but I tried to be prepared to hear that the baby was in danger and they needed to take him/her now.  To our relief the ultrasound tech did all of her measurements several times and our baby is growing just fine. Actually our baby was spot on for 34 weeks 5 days and weighed approx 5 lb 2 oz.  She said the head and abdomen measurements were great and the legs were a little small but well within normal range. The amniotic fluid level was great and the placenta and cord were healthy.  Everything seemed to be in good working order, baby just wouldn't put his/her hands down to get a good picture.  He/she also likes to play with his/her feet.  We couldn't believe it. The Dr. came in and looked everything over and reassured us that our baby was growing great and that I should be on track for a normal delivery when the time comes.  Wow! Amazing! Ok I can resume life as normal now and not sit there waiting for every movement, expecting that the last one may have been it.

     Sheryl and Jon have been busy on the baby's room.  The wall has been mudded, textured and painted a nice cool gray. I can't wait to get all of the furniture in there and arranged.  Keenan assembled the bassinet for our room and I got some sheets made. Now I just need that baby to put in it and we should probably settle on a full name for either gender.
       Riley then enjoyed part of the weekend with her grandparents in Marion.  Sheryl watched Riley so Keenan and I could go to the Monday appointment and spend some time together.

Christmas came early

      I am 31 weeks pregnant in this picture. I didn't get it posted right away so this Wednesday we will be 34 weeks pregnant. This coming Friday we will have an ultrasound to check on baby. I am excited to see how he or she is growing in there. I can't believe that today is December 1st.
        The pictures of Riley and Piper painting were taken when Sheryl came to Ames and painted our bedroom for us. Riley and Piper had a lot of fun playing together. It's fun that Riley now looks forward to seeing her cousins. During this activity, I learned that Piper is finicky about having her hands clean.  It is hard for a two year old to stay clean while painting, but they both had fun anyway!

My 28th Birthday

 Jon, Sheryl, Kendra and Kaleb came to Ames on Nov 23 for my birthday lunch. It was fun to see everyone, and Riley had fun playing (until it was time for her nap, of course). We went to The Cafe for brunch and had some great food. We split the decadent french toast for dessert and I had a cappuccino with the best foam, yum!

Family photos

This fall we had some family photos taken. It misted just about the entire time but we still got some good pictures.

 Christmas Time Already?

Riley and Olivia enjoying a snack together

 This year we did the Nabholz Christmas early because I won't be able to travel after this week. The cousins had fun playing together. This year Riley is finally old enough to play with Liam, which was cute to watch.  Stacy has two kittens in her house right now that they all adored (including Keenan). We made a Christmas feast at Mom's and opened presents later that night.

Still small enough to sit on the table

Keenan got sleepy waiting for food

Riley and Aunt Stacy

Riley and Liam playing with a race car track

I Hugged A Stranger Today

I hugged a stranger today. It was ... well, strange. It's not what I'm used to, it's not who I was before Kyla died.

She was probably a few years older than my parents. She had glasses and wonderfully graying, curly hair. (This is where good writers can make you feel like you know the person by describing their appearance through a beautiful combination of metaphors and visceral descriptions, but I'm not the best visual assessor of people's appearances, so I don't remember much else - sorry.) She came in to get some copies, pretty straightforward stuff. Black and white, regular paper, nothing fancy. As she started to show me what she needed done, she told me her father had just died and she needed to get copies of these things for life insurance, etc. I said I was sorry to hear that, then proceeded to make her copies. Like I said, simple stuff. Took me less than 3-4 minutes.

When I came back to the counter to hand her back the originals and the new copies, she had a credit card and her ID sitting there on the counter, ready for payment time. I looked at her and said, "This one's on me."
She looked a little confused, and I was already planning on explaining why, so I continued. "Back in January ..."
She interrupted, "Oh, you're going to make me cry."
"Sorry," I said, smiling in spite of it all. "I probably am. Back in January, our second daughter was stillborn." She looked at me with a look of pure sympathy, tears welling in her eyes. I swear she let out something like a sob or a whimper. "The funeral home didn't charge us for anything. I would have paid it, whatever it took - she was my daughter - but they did it free of charge. And I just know that meant so much to me."

Come to find out, she's got a Notebook-esque deathbed tale to tell about her father. He was 89 when he died. About 4 years ago, he had a stroke. It was a bad one, left him virtually unable to speak or walk and he'd been living like that since. But his mind was still there. And he really, really loved his wife - so much so that, two minutes before he died, he kissed his wife goodbye.

Oof. That one punched me in the chest cavity. I've tasted the hollow bitterness of loss, and now I am different, like it or not. I used to make copies for funerals and whatnot and I'd almost always give them a discount or not charge them, but I've never done it like this. Today that woman and I shared a connection of grief that I didn't know existed 11 months ago. Today we hugged, and I don't even know her name. Today I felt more like me than I normally do. The real me wants to talk about Kyla. The real me wants to cry and hold her and Chelsea and Riley. The real me wants to hug people I barely know because they've lost a child, too. Yet sometimes I push the real me back, stuff him underneath my introverted nature, hide him from the world. Sometimes I smile and talk about Chelsea's current pregnancy, extinguishing the burning desire inside that wants to talk about why we're already onto our 3rd child. But sometimes you've just gotta do that kind of stuff. Sometimes people don't want to know that you're forever in pain, floating on a wisp of hope for the next baby. Sometimes people just want to complain about how goddamned cold it is (and I'm happy to join in on that conversation, to be honest). Sometimes people want to be abrupt and harsh like I'm an idiot that doesn't know how to do his job. That's the way it goes. So sometimes I'm me, sometimes I'm not. I guess that's just who I am now.

Home renovations and 30 weeks pregnant

       There is a hole in the house!

When Keenan and I purchased this house we didn't love that there was a sliding glass door in the smallest middle bedroom, as it would probably be a kids room someday.  That day has come, I am too worried about this new baby and want it to have its own room for at least the first year before it rooms with Riley. 
       Come to find out, not only is there a door in the middle bedroom to the backyard but it also leaks a lot of air.  I always keep the door to that room shut because otherwise it makes the rest of the house cold or hot. We discussed a lot of possible options but it was mostly just dreaming. Jon and Sheryl said that it was possible to do a number of things to relocate the door and make the house more energy efficient in the process. We thought about a number of plans and which ones would be most cost effective. Keenan made up some plans on the computer to show all of the options we had.  We decided on putting a normal door in our bedroom heading straight out to the backyard because it would look the least strange for the next owners of this house.  
        However this plan had one little problem. There is a gas meter right below the window where the new door is to go out. It's costly but our best option. So now we have been getting it set up with Alliant Energy to move the meter and with Haselhoff Air Solutions to connect it on the inside of the house. Keenan has been dealing with the fun of applying for permits for the work we need to do. This involves having the city come to inspect that the job is being done properly at different stages of the job. It all seems to be going pretty well, Jon and Sheryl have been such a help for this entire thing as neither Keenan nor I are handy people.  Tomorrow is the day Alliant is to come and start moving the meter, I am excited to see this project move a little more. It sure is going to be noisy here tomorrow. Our yard has a million tiny flags in it stating where the gas line is, where it's going to go, buried cable, buried electric and who knows what else.

 30 weeks

 As of today I am 30 weeks pregnant and while I thought I was doing pretty well mentally I guess I am struggling more than I realized. I noticed this when I checked for the baby's heartbeat 3 days in a row. I haven't checked for it much because the baby has been moving enough throughout the day and I have been doing my kick counts every night. Kyla died at this point in the pregnancy and it is probably just getting to me. I thought about her a lot today. I am happy for this baby and hope that I get to meet him/her in January.  Today reminded me of Kyla and what I didn't get with her and I found myself mourning that day all over again and wondering what went wrong.  I thought about the morning of that appointment and being in the shower and pushing on my belly trying to get her to move. I was concerned but ultimately decided that I was just being paranoid.  I wasn't being paranoid and I remember having to call Keenan from that little exam room to tell him that his baby had died, I remember apologizing because at that point I was shocked and confused and certain that it was something that I did.  It still bothers me that I don't know and will never know. Every time I go in for an appointment, the midwives try to be very reassuring and tell me that it is unlikely to happen again.
      It makes me happy to make things for the new baby.  Keeps me involved and loving this new life. I am currently working on some fitted newborn diapers out of old t-shirts. It is fun to learn a few new techniques. Have you ever tried sewing blind elastic? It is where you sew a piece of elastic between layers of fabric. It's weird but not impossible. It's tricky to make sure I am always holding it in the right place. I also have some cute tiny shoes waiting for this new person. I made a little pair in each gender about the size of Riley's newborn footprint stamp.  If this baby ends up being close to the same size they should fit. 
      I had fun recently learning to sew a garment. I made some nursing shirts on the serger and they actually turned out pretty nice considering I have very little experience with patterns or a serger, but I am learning. I hope to order some interesting fabric soon, there is not a lot to choose from in knits at the local stores.

 I made Riley some playdough this week and she has really been enjoying getting her kitchen stuff out and playing with it.

just snuggling

Happy Halloween!

Fall leaves

  

Riley had so much fun helping mommy clean up the yard and get ready for winter. She helped pick up branches and leaves and put away planters for the year.We managed to squeeze in a lot of play too.
    The below picture is Riley reading a book to her baby. so cute!
   The other day I asked Keenan to get a kleenex for Riley because her nose was running and she was licking at it.  She triumphantly says, I eat boogers!  It was so funny

Time with Papa

 Keenan and Jon have been doing a lot of work on the house so Riley has gotten lots of time with Papa.  Every time he enters the room she says Papa!!!

Happy Halloween

 Tonight was trick or treat night in Huxley so Riley joined Chip and Walter for some fun.  They all had fun running around the neighborhood in their costumes and getting candy.  Riley was so shy, she would get her one piece and quietly say thanks.  I made Riley an Olaf costume because that is the only character that I really hear her talk about.  She did pretty well, she didn't always want to keep the hood up.

Tomorrow I have another NST for the new baby. I will be having them weekly until further notice. Everything seems to be progressing well with this pregnancy.  I have been feeling the baby move regularly,  hopefully we can keep that up. Oh I passed the 28 week glucose test last week so that's good.  

Fall has arrived

   I can't believe it's fall already!  I feel as if I just bought my plants and started my garden and now it is all over. I love canning. It reminds me of my mom and grandma working in the kitchen. I was afraid of my pressure cooker at first, but once you get the hang of canning it's not hard at all. You just need to know the appropriate cook times and acid levels for all the items you make. I have a lot of my grandma's old canning jars. Most of them are quarts though. This year I canned lots of tomatoes, green beans, dill pickles, applesauce, grape jelly and green tomato salsa. The salsa turned out great, I got to use my green tomatoes at the end of the season and it tastes great.  The grapes, however, were in short supply this year and I only got 7 pints compared to last year's 22. Hopefully next year is a better grape year.

 Riley and the grandparents got some time to play on a weekend Keenan and Jon were getting some work done around the house. Riley learned how to use the pedals on her trike but she still finds just scooting to be easier for now.

    Weekend in Marion

 It was fun to spend a weekend just visiting with family and making food together.

We had fun going to the Cedar Rapids Farmers' Market. There were so many vendors with a variety of products, not just the usual produce. We tried many of the food vendors as well. The mini donuts were so fresh and amazing and I had the best crab rangoon. I even found someone a Christmas gift!

  

Riley just goofing around and playing dress up as a ladybug. You never know what she is going to end up wearing. I love to see what hat/cape combos that she comes up with. She also likes to pick her everyday clothes and sometimes we end up with some fun outfits!

We are as of today 26 weeks pregnant and as far as I know all is well. I can feel the baby move every day and have been recording the movement patterns to start doing kick counts. I am having trouble choosing a time of day.  You are supposed to do your counts at the same time every day and see how long it takes the baby to do 10 movements. For example if your baby does 10 kicks everyday at 7 am and it usually takes 10 to 20 minutes to get there, then it starts to take an hour or 2 that could be a sign of a problem.
      I had an appointment for the baby last week and I am right on track for growth and the heartbeat was good.  I go back at 28 weeks for the glucose test and a non stress test (NST).  The NST is just to check on the baby and make sure that there are no signs of fetal distress.  This appointment is going to take longer than a normal one so Sheryl is coming to watch Riley.

20 Week Ultrasound

       20 Week ultrasound. It doesn't sound daunting. Who wouldn't want to peek into their baby's world and see what's going on in there? Keenan and I got a little peek at 10 weeks and have really been looking forward to knowing how well our baby has been growing since.
       I have the knowledge and the experience that something can be very wrong even without the presence of pain or blood. That really bothered me when Kyla died. I felt like my body had betrayed me that day. I felt like her dying should have hurt physically.

                 My body should have told me.

      Because of this experience, when appointment dates draw near, along with my excitement my anxiety level builds. To my relief, our baby is right on track for growth, weighing in around 12 ounces. His/her heart rate was in the 140's-160's and he/she was very active inside the womb, sometimes making it difficult for the tech to get measurements.  All the measurements came out great and we could even count five fingers on each little hand.
      I can feel our baby moving every day and I look forward to when they become stronger. I really look forward to holding him/her in January. Oh yeah - I am sure you have noticed already but we again decided not to find out the gender. It will be a surprise! Guess you have to wait right along with us.

This time around Riley is old enough to tell that there is a baby. Although I know she doesn't really understand, it's still cute for her to say "baby" and point to my belly.

Here are some pictures of baby #3 and 1 of me

Riley likes to help in the real kitchen as well as her own. I usually just end up with flour or water all over the floor but it's still fun.

 

Peter and Dawn's Wedding

Our good friends Peter and Dawn had a beautiful outdoor ceremony amongst family and friends at the Brue farm. It was expected to rain but the day turned out beautiful and the kids had a blast playing together. Riley loves it when she gets a chance to run around.