I hugged a stranger today. It was ... well, strange. It's not what I'm used to, it's not who I was before Kyla died.
She was probably a few years older than my parents. She had glasses and wonderfully graying, curly hair. (This is where good writers can make you feel like you know the person by describing their appearance through a beautiful combination of metaphors and visceral descriptions, but I'm not the best visual assessor of people's appearances, so I don't remember much else - sorry.) She came in to get some copies, pretty straightforward stuff. Black and white, regular paper, nothing fancy. As she started to show me what she needed done, she told me her father had just died and she needed to get copies of these things for life insurance, etc. I said I was sorry to hear that, then proceeded to make her copies. Like I said, simple stuff. Took me less than 3-4 minutes.
When I came back to the counter to hand her back the originals and the new copies, she had a credit card and her ID sitting there on the counter, ready for payment time. I looked at her and said, "This one's on me."
She looked a little confused, and I was already planning on explaining why, so I continued. "Back in January ..."
She interrupted, "Oh, you're going to make me cry."
"Sorry," I said, smiling in spite of it all. "I probably am. Back in January, our second daughter was stillborn." She looked at me with a look of pure sympathy, tears welling in her eyes. I swear she let out something like a sob or a whimper. "The funeral home didn't charge us for anything. I would have paid it, whatever it took - she was my daughter - but they did it free of charge. And I just know that meant so much to me."
Come to find out, she's got a Notebook-esque deathbed tale to tell about her father. He was 89 when he died. About 4 years ago, he had a stroke. It was a bad one, left him virtually unable to speak or walk and he'd been living like that since. But his mind was still there. And he really, really loved his wife - so much so that, two minutes before he died, he kissed his wife goodbye.
Oof. That one punched me in the chest cavity. I've tasted the hollow bitterness of loss, and now I am different, like it or not. I used to make copies for funerals and whatnot and I'd almost always give them a discount or not charge them, but I've never done it like this. Today that woman and I shared a connection of grief that I didn't know existed 11 months ago. Today we hugged, and I don't even know her name. Today I felt more like me than I normally do. The real me wants to talk about Kyla. The real me wants to cry and hold her and Chelsea and Riley. The real me wants to hug people I barely know because they've lost a child, too. Yet sometimes I push the real me back, stuff him underneath my introverted nature, hide him from the world. Sometimes I smile and talk about Chelsea's current pregnancy, extinguishing the burning desire inside that wants to talk about why we're already onto our 3rd child. But sometimes you've just gotta do that kind of stuff. Sometimes people don't want to know that you're forever in pain, floating on a wisp of hope for the next baby. Sometimes people just want to complain about how goddamned cold it is (and I'm happy to join in on that conversation, to be honest). Sometimes people want to be abrupt and harsh like I'm an idiot that doesn't know how to do his job. That's the way it goes. So sometimes I'm me, sometimes I'm not. I guess that's just who I am now.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Home renovations and 30 weeks pregnant
There is a hole in the house!
When Keenan and I purchased this house we didn't love that there was a sliding glass door in the smallest middle bedroom, as it would probably be a kids room someday. That day has come, I am too worried about this new baby and want it to have its own room for at least the first year before it rooms with Riley.
Come to find out, not only is there a door in the middle bedroom to the backyard but it also leaks a lot of air. I always keep the door to that room shut because otherwise it makes the rest of the house cold or hot. We discussed a lot of possible options but it was mostly just dreaming. Jon and Sheryl said that it was possible to do a number of things to relocate the door and make the house more energy efficient in the process. We thought about a number of plans and which ones would be most cost effective. Keenan made up some plans on the computer to show all of the options we had. We decided on putting a normal door in our bedroom heading straight out to the backyard because it would look the least strange for the next owners of this house.
However this plan had one little problem. There is a gas meter right below the window where the new door is to go out. It's costly but our best option. So now we have been getting it set up with Alliant Energy to move the meter and with Haselhoff Air Solutions to connect it on the inside of the house. Keenan has been dealing with the fun of applying for permits for the work we need to do. This involves having the city come to inspect that the job is being done properly at different stages of the job. It all seems to be going pretty well, Jon and Sheryl have been such a help for this entire thing as neither Keenan nor I are handy people. Tomorrow is the day Alliant is to come and start moving the meter, I am excited to see this project move a little more. It sure is going to be noisy here tomorrow. Our yard has a million tiny flags in it stating where the gas line is, where it's going to go, buried cable, buried electric and who knows what else.
30 weeks
As of today I am 30 weeks pregnant and while I thought I was doing pretty well mentally I guess I am struggling more than I realized. I noticed this when I checked for the baby's heartbeat 3 days in a row. I haven't checked for it much because the baby has been moving enough throughout the day and I have been doing my kick counts every night. Kyla died at this point in the pregnancy and it is probably just getting to me. I thought about her a lot today. I am happy for this baby and hope that I get to meet him/her in January. Today reminded me of Kyla and what I didn't get with her and I found myself mourning that day all over again and wondering what went wrong. I thought about the morning of that appointment and being in the shower and pushing on my belly trying to get her to move. I was concerned but ultimately decided that I was just being paranoid. I wasn't being paranoid and I remember having to call Keenan from that little exam room to tell him that his baby had died, I remember apologizing because at that point I was shocked and confused and certain that it was something that I did. It still bothers me that I don't know and will never know. Every time I go in for an appointment, the midwives try to be very reassuring and tell me that it is unlikely to happen again.
It makes me happy to make things for the new baby. Keeps me involved and loving this new life. I am currently working on some fitted newborn diapers out of old t-shirts. It is fun to learn a few new techniques. Have you ever tried sewing blind elastic? It is where you sew a piece of elastic between layers of fabric. It's weird but not impossible. It's tricky to make sure I am always holding it in the right place. I also have some cute tiny shoes waiting for this new person. I made a little pair in each gender about the size of Riley's newborn footprint stamp. If this baby ends up being close to the same size they should fit.
I had fun recently learning to sew a garment. I made some nursing shirts on the serger and they actually turned out pretty nice considering I have very little experience with patterns or a serger, but I am learning. I hope to order some interesting fabric soon, there is not a lot to choose from in knits at the local stores.
I made Riley some playdough this week and she has really been enjoying getting her kitchen stuff out and playing with it.
When Keenan and I purchased this house we didn't love that there was a sliding glass door in the smallest middle bedroom, as it would probably be a kids room someday. That day has come, I am too worried about this new baby and want it to have its own room for at least the first year before it rooms with Riley.
Come to find out, not only is there a door in the middle bedroom to the backyard but it also leaks a lot of air. I always keep the door to that room shut because otherwise it makes the rest of the house cold or hot. We discussed a lot of possible options but it was mostly just dreaming. Jon and Sheryl said that it was possible to do a number of things to relocate the door and make the house more energy efficient in the process. We thought about a number of plans and which ones would be most cost effective. Keenan made up some plans on the computer to show all of the options we had. We decided on putting a normal door in our bedroom heading straight out to the backyard because it would look the least strange for the next owners of this house.
However this plan had one little problem. There is a gas meter right below the window where the new door is to go out. It's costly but our best option. So now we have been getting it set up with Alliant Energy to move the meter and with Haselhoff Air Solutions to connect it on the inside of the house. Keenan has been dealing with the fun of applying for permits for the work we need to do. This involves having the city come to inspect that the job is being done properly at different stages of the job. It all seems to be going pretty well, Jon and Sheryl have been such a help for this entire thing as neither Keenan nor I are handy people. Tomorrow is the day Alliant is to come and start moving the meter, I am excited to see this project move a little more. It sure is going to be noisy here tomorrow. Our yard has a million tiny flags in it stating where the gas line is, where it's going to go, buried cable, buried electric and who knows what else.
30 weeks
As of today I am 30 weeks pregnant and while I thought I was doing pretty well mentally I guess I am struggling more than I realized. I noticed this when I checked for the baby's heartbeat 3 days in a row. I haven't checked for it much because the baby has been moving enough throughout the day and I have been doing my kick counts every night. Kyla died at this point in the pregnancy and it is probably just getting to me. I thought about her a lot today. I am happy for this baby and hope that I get to meet him/her in January. Today reminded me of Kyla and what I didn't get with her and I found myself mourning that day all over again and wondering what went wrong. I thought about the morning of that appointment and being in the shower and pushing on my belly trying to get her to move. I was concerned but ultimately decided that I was just being paranoid. I wasn't being paranoid and I remember having to call Keenan from that little exam room to tell him that his baby had died, I remember apologizing because at that point I was shocked and confused and certain that it was something that I did. It still bothers me that I don't know and will never know. Every time I go in for an appointment, the midwives try to be very reassuring and tell me that it is unlikely to happen again.
It makes me happy to make things for the new baby. Keeps me involved and loving this new life. I am currently working on some fitted newborn diapers out of old t-shirts. It is fun to learn a few new techniques. Have you ever tried sewing blind elastic? It is where you sew a piece of elastic between layers of fabric. It's weird but not impossible. It's tricky to make sure I am always holding it in the right place. I also have some cute tiny shoes waiting for this new person. I made a little pair in each gender about the size of Riley's newborn footprint stamp. If this baby ends up being close to the same size they should fit.
I had fun recently learning to sew a garment. I made some nursing shirts on the serger and they actually turned out pretty nice considering I have very little experience with patterns or a serger, but I am learning. I hope to order some interesting fabric soon, there is not a lot to choose from in knits at the local stores.
I made Riley some playdough this week and she has really been enjoying getting her kitchen stuff out and playing with it.
 |
 |
| just snuggling |
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Happy Halloween!
Fall leaves
Riley had so much fun helping mommy clean up the yard and get ready for winter. She helped pick up branches and leaves and put away planters for the year.We managed to squeeze in a lot of play too.
The below picture is Riley reading a book to her baby. so cute!
The other day I asked Keenan to get a kleenex for Riley because her nose was running and she was licking at it. She triumphantly says, I eat boogers! It was so funny
Time with Papa
Keenan and Jon have been doing a lot of work on the house so Riley has gotten lots of time with Papa. Every time he enters the room she says Papa!!!
Happy Halloween
Tonight was trick or treat night in Huxley so Riley joined Chip and Walter for some fun. They all had fun running around the neighborhood in their costumes and getting candy. Riley was so shy, she would get her one piece and quietly say thanks. I made Riley an Olaf costume because that is the only character that I really hear her talk about. She did pretty well, she didn't always want to keep the hood up.
Tomorrow I have another NST for the new baby. I will be having them weekly until further notice. Everything seems to be progressing well with this pregnancy. I have been feeling the baby move regularly, hopefully we can keep that up. Oh I passed the 28 week glucose test last week so that's good.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Fall has arrived
I can't believe it's fall already! I feel as if I just bought my plants and started my garden and now it is all over. I love canning. It reminds me of my mom and grandma working in the kitchen. I was afraid of my pressure cooker at first, but once you get the hang of canning it's not hard at all. You just need to know the appropriate cook times and acid levels for all the items you make. I have a lot of my grandma's old canning jars. Most of them are quarts though. This year I canned lots of tomatoes, green beans, dill pickles, applesauce, grape jelly and green tomato salsa. The salsa turned out great, I got to use my green tomatoes at the end of the season and it tastes great. The grapes, however, were in short supply this year and I only got 7 pints compared to last year's 22. Hopefully next year is a better grape year.
Riley and the grandparents got some time to play on a weekend Keenan and Jon were getting some work done around the house. Riley learned how to use the pedals on her trike but she still finds just scooting to be easier for now.
Weekend in Marion
We had fun going to the Cedar Rapids Farmers' Market. There were so many vendors with a variety of products, not just the usual produce. We tried many of the food vendors as well. The mini donuts were so fresh and amazing and I had the best crab rangoon. I even found someone a Christmas gift!
Riley just goofing around and playing dress up as a ladybug. You never know what she is going to end up wearing. I love to see what hat/cape combos that she comes up with. She also likes to pick her everyday clothes and sometimes we end up with some fun outfits!
We are as of today 26 weeks pregnant and as far as I know all is well. I can feel the baby move every day and have been recording the movement patterns to start doing kick counts. I am having trouble choosing a time of day. You are supposed to do your counts at the same time every day and see how long it takes the baby to do 10 movements. For example if your baby does 10 kicks everyday at 7 am and it usually takes 10 to 20 minutes to get there, then it starts to take an hour or 2 that could be a sign of a problem.
I had an appointment for the baby last week and I am right on track for growth and the heartbeat was good. I go back at 28 weeks for the glucose test and a non stress test (NST). The NST is just to check on the baby and make sure that there are no signs of fetal distress. This appointment is going to take longer than a normal one so Sheryl is coming to watch Riley.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
20 Week Ultrasound
20 Week ultrasound. It doesn't sound daunting. Who wouldn't want to peek into their baby's world and see what's going on in there? Keenan and I got a little peek at 10 weeks and have really been looking forward to knowing how well our baby has been growing since.
I have the knowledge and the experience that something can be very wrong even without the presence of pain or blood. That really bothered me when Kyla died. I felt like my body had betrayed me that day. I felt like her dying should have hurt physically.
My body should have told me.
Because of this experience, when appointment dates draw near, along with my excitement my anxiety level builds. To my relief, our baby is right on track for growth, weighing in around 12 ounces. His/her heart rate was in the 140's-160's and he/she was very active inside the womb, sometimes making it difficult for the tech to get measurements. All the measurements came out great and we could even count five fingers on each little hand.
I can feel our baby moving every day and I look forward to when they become stronger. I really look forward to holding him/her in January. Oh yeah - I am sure you have noticed already but we again decided not to find out the gender. It will be a surprise! Guess you have to wait right along with us.
This time around Riley is old enough to tell that there is a baby. Although I know she doesn't really understand, it's still cute for her to say "baby" and point to my belly.
Here are some pictures of baby #3 and 1 of me
Riley likes to help in the real kitchen as well as her own. I usually just end up with flour or water all over the floor but it's still fun.
Peter and Dawn's Wedding
Our good friends Peter and Dawn had a beautiful outdoor ceremony amongst family and friends at the Brue farm. It was expected to rain but the day turned out beautiful and the kids had a blast playing together. Riley loves it when she gets a chance to run around.
I have the knowledge and the experience that something can be very wrong even without the presence of pain or blood. That really bothered me when Kyla died. I felt like my body had betrayed me that day. I felt like her dying should have hurt physically.
My body should have told me.
Because of this experience, when appointment dates draw near, along with my excitement my anxiety level builds. To my relief, our baby is right on track for growth, weighing in around 12 ounces. His/her heart rate was in the 140's-160's and he/she was very active inside the womb, sometimes making it difficult for the tech to get measurements. All the measurements came out great and we could even count five fingers on each little hand.
I can feel our baby moving every day and I look forward to when they become stronger. I really look forward to holding him/her in January. Oh yeah - I am sure you have noticed already but we again decided not to find out the gender. It will be a surprise! Guess you have to wait right along with us.
This time around Riley is old enough to tell that there is a baby. Although I know she doesn't really understand, it's still cute for her to say "baby" and point to my belly.
Here are some pictures of baby #3 and 1 of me
Riley likes to help in the real kitchen as well as her own. I usually just end up with flour or water all over the floor but it's still fun. Peter and Dawn's Wedding
Our good friends Peter and Dawn had a beautiful outdoor ceremony amongst family and friends at the Brue farm. It was expected to rain but the day turned out beautiful and the kids had a blast playing together. Riley loves it when she gets a chance to run around.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
I Don't Want To Be Comforted Like You Do
You seem to think that there's something positive to be found in all of this. You are clearly under the impression that there's a silver lining, that there's a happy moment that makes it better.
"It wasn't meant to be."
So apparently my pain was meant to be? Nice.
"At least you didn't get too attached to her."
Yes, I know - that's the tragedy. I never had the chance to get to know my daughter.
"There must have been something wrong with her."
Well, we'll never know that, will we? Thanks for the reminder.
"She's in a better place now."
No, the best place is in my arms.
"Everything happens for a reason."
... What the hell ... ?
Don't you see? The words that you think make this easier or better are the very essence of what makes this painful. If you don't try to comfort me with what comforts you, then I won't try to make you grieve like I grieve. Do you really want to? Do you? Fine then, go ahead, take a look at Kyla's pictures again:
Feel her beauty strangle the back of your throat and flood the inside of your chest and incinerate your eyes.
Feel it.
Embrace it.
Let it control you.
Let your mind lose track of where you are and who you are and what's being said and done around you.
Let it consume your weakest moments and darken your happiest thoughts.
Don't you see? You don't want that. Trust me, you really don't. You may wonder what it's like and you may wish you could understand it better, but you don't actually want it. You want to keep thinking that everything in your life will be pretty good. You want to be able to wake up and have the freedom to enjoy your life, unhaunted. You want to be able to look at a stranger's baby and smile, not nearly burst into tears and have a scraping desire to hold that baby and care for her. I know, because I used to be you. I used to trust in the healing power of nice words and positive thoughts and even prayer. I used to believe that time heals the pain. But perhaps now you'll understand me a little better when I say that I don't want to be comforted like you do. You want to tell yourself and me that everything is going to be okay. You want to reassure me that it's all for a reason. And it all sounds nice, but you just don't get it. I don't want to turn away. I don't want to shield my heart from the pain. I want to run towards it. I want to eat it. I want to dive straight into the middle of it and drown. I want to be tortured by it. I want to be buried in every ounce of my pain and my grief. Because at the end of the day, it's all I have left of her.
"It wasn't meant to be."
So apparently my pain was meant to be? Nice.
"At least you didn't get too attached to her."
Yes, I know - that's the tragedy. I never had the chance to get to know my daughter.
"There must have been something wrong with her."
Well, we'll never know that, will we? Thanks for the reminder.
"She's in a better place now."
No, the best place is in my arms.
"Everything happens for a reason."
... What the hell ... ?
Don't you see? The words that you think make this easier or better are the very essence of what makes this painful. If you don't try to comfort me with what comforts you, then I won't try to make you grieve like I grieve. Do you really want to? Do you? Fine then, go ahead, take a look at Kyla's pictures again:
Hear her clinical silence.
Feel her arms droop on yours.
See a small chunk of skin missing from her finger and wonder if you did that or if it was already like that.
Hold her in your hands and accidentally let her head fall backwards and feel that shameful thought as you realize it doesn't matter if you support her neck or not.
Feel her beauty strangle the back of your throat and flood the inside of your chest and incinerate your eyes.
Feel it.
Embrace it.
Let it control you.
Let your mind lose track of where you are and who you are and what's being said and done around you.
Let it consume your weakest moments and darken your happiest thoughts.
Don't you see? You don't want that. Trust me, you really don't. You may wonder what it's like and you may wish you could understand it better, but you don't actually want it. You want to keep thinking that everything in your life will be pretty good. You want to be able to wake up and have the freedom to enjoy your life, unhaunted. You want to be able to look at a stranger's baby and smile, not nearly burst into tears and have a scraping desire to hold that baby and care for her. I know, because I used to be you. I used to trust in the healing power of nice words and positive thoughts and even prayer. I used to believe that time heals the pain. But perhaps now you'll understand me a little better when I say that I don't want to be comforted like you do. You want to tell yourself and me that everything is going to be okay. You want to reassure me that it's all for a reason. And it all sounds nice, but you just don't get it. I don't want to turn away. I don't want to shield my heart from the pain. I want to run towards it. I want to eat it. I want to dive straight into the middle of it and drown. I want to be tortured by it. I want to be buried in every ounce of my pain and my grief. Because at the end of the day, it's all I have left of her.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Family and Fun
Painting Fun!
Riley had so much fun painting pictures although she seemed uncertain about how messy her hands were at first. Then we had fun making hand prints for cards.
Cousin Time
I didn't take a lot of pictures from this trip. The first day I met Stacy in Coralville where we ate lunch then proceeded to the children's museum in the mall. This place is great. Its set up like a little town and there is a little for every age group. I think Riley would have enjoyed it more if she was a little older but there was plenty she enjoyed. She especially loved the farm room for younger kids and just ran around in there. She also loved the nursery because there were lots of babies to take care of. Liam was running a pizza parlor down the street. He liked to keep a clean shop.
The kids had a blast even though it was really hot and humid the whole time. They enjoyed playing in the kiddy pool together and throwing water balloons. Riley just liked to save hers though. Stacy also made a homemade bubble solution that they really enjoyed. We just grabbed things from around the house that looked like they would make great bubbles. I enjoyed the slotted spatula because it made really big bubbles. The solution had corn syrup in it so it was really sticky but the bubbles seemed to last for a while. A yellow kitten also showed up this weekend and was dubbed Jerry by Liam. He was really thin but I think he is fattening up now.
Olivia's 1st Birthday Party
Olivia had a lot of fun. Although like most 1 year olds she didn't know what the fuss was about or what she was supposed to do with a giant cupcake. Stacy and I worked and made all the cupcakes and the food. It was a taco bar with a lot of fun sides. Liam helped Olivia unwrap all of her gifts
First corn of the season! Yum
Baby News
Baby Number 3 is due on January 14 which is an odd coincidence really because I think that is the night that Kyla died. We are really excited and are just hoping for the best. Tomorrow we will be 15 weeks and i just get excited at every week that goes by and everything is still going well. We had an appointment at the perinatal center at Mercy in Des moines at 10 weeks and they did an ultrasound to help with the timeline and it was fun to see him/her wiggling around in there. They also ran a bunch of labs checking for possible blood clotting disorders and all the results came back as normal. I am looking forward to our detailed scan at the perinatal center for our 20 week appointment that will be on Sept 2. Until then my friend Kari gave me a doppler so if I am worried or having a bad day I can check for that heartbeat. I feel like I have been feeling little flutters since 13 weeks, can't wait for the movements to get bigger. We are really excited but just with a whole different set of emotions than with previous pregnancies. We are grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive family. Thanks guys!
Riley had so much fun painting pictures although she seemed uncertain about how messy her hands were at first. Then we had fun making hand prints for cards.
Cousin Time
I didn't take a lot of pictures from this trip. The first day I met Stacy in Coralville where we ate lunch then proceeded to the children's museum in the mall. This place is great. Its set up like a little town and there is a little for every age group. I think Riley would have enjoyed it more if she was a little older but there was plenty she enjoyed. She especially loved the farm room for younger kids and just ran around in there. She also loved the nursery because there were lots of babies to take care of. Liam was running a pizza parlor down the street. He liked to keep a clean shop.
The kids had a blast even though it was really hot and humid the whole time. They enjoyed playing in the kiddy pool together and throwing water balloons. Riley just liked to save hers though. Stacy also made a homemade bubble solution that they really enjoyed. We just grabbed things from around the house that looked like they would make great bubbles. I enjoyed the slotted spatula because it made really big bubbles. The solution had corn syrup in it so it was really sticky but the bubbles seemed to last for a while. A yellow kitten also showed up this weekend and was dubbed Jerry by Liam. He was really thin but I think he is fattening up now.
Olivia's 1st Birthday Party
Olivia had a lot of fun. Although like most 1 year olds she didn't know what the fuss was about or what she was supposed to do with a giant cupcake. Stacy and I worked and made all the cupcakes and the food. It was a taco bar with a lot of fun sides. Liam helped Olivia unwrap all of her gifts
Kansas City
We had a lot of fun visiting Liberty and catching up with family. Riley enjoyed the zoo, she didn't even mind when it rained on us. We didn't really visit a lot of the other attractions in the city but Uncle Steve gave us a tour and it seems there would be a number of things to choose to do with your weekend. Riley took to Aunt Kris and Uncle Steve right away and we had fun getting to know each other again. We had a BBQ night where Sarah, Greg, Sue and Skip came over the food was great and we stayed up way too late talking.
First corn of the season! Yum
Baby Number 3 is due on January 14 which is an odd coincidence really because I think that is the night that Kyla died. We are really excited and are just hoping for the best. Tomorrow we will be 15 weeks and i just get excited at every week that goes by and everything is still going well. We had an appointment at the perinatal center at Mercy in Des moines at 10 weeks and they did an ultrasound to help with the timeline and it was fun to see him/her wiggling around in there. They also ran a bunch of labs checking for possible blood clotting disorders and all the results came back as normal. I am looking forward to our detailed scan at the perinatal center for our 20 week appointment that will be on Sept 2. Until then my friend Kari gave me a doppler so if I am worried or having a bad day I can check for that heartbeat. I feel like I have been feeling little flutters since 13 weeks, can't wait for the movements to get bigger. We are really excited but just with a whole different set of emotions than with previous pregnancies. We are grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive family. Thanks guys!
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