Joy Of The Seasons!

        I am here to write about the many seasons that have come and gone without a post and the life that has been taking place during those wonderful seasons. Every season is very different and comes with its own joy. Nothing is ever the same, the kids are always growing and with that so am I. I have loved all the milestones so far even the ones that have tested my will and added a few gray hairs to the inventory. It's the day to day that I love best (giving babies baths)!  I am trying to savor every minute of it. I love my husband and kids a little more each day, the ones I can hold and the one that I never will again.

Summer - A time to plant things

I have so much fun pretending to be a farmer and getting to include Riley in as much as I can. It's dirty work but isn't that the best, most fulfilling kind of work?

  Fall

 We have made good use of the wagon this fall. August was finally big enough, they just loved riding together!  It was fun to drag them around the neighborhood and hear laughter trailing behind. Riley and I enjoyed collecting different colored leaves on our many walks.  It was fun to try different ways to preserve their beautiful color. Sometimes she just liked gluing them to her art then painting on them. This was a long fall, which was great because it is my favorite season. I like the crisp air in the morning and the smell of the leaves and all of the beautiful colors everywhere.
    I raked up all the leaves and this year put them at the bottom of a slide and Riley had fun going up the tree house and down into the leaves.

 I love those big blue eyes

 Here Riley is all snuggled up reading some books.  She is really good at playing with August and getting him to chase her. She is a very helpful, imaginative and sensitive girl. Her vocabulary is really growing too, it is fun to hear her thoughts on things and to get a peek into her imaginative play.
   We have started to teach her the basic rules of board games which she really enjoys. I like to take her to the library a lot, too. She is very shy during story time but enjoys going to pick out a bunch of books before we leave to go home for lunch.

August at 9 months

August can crawl really fast now and is pulling up on things. He isn't spitting up very much now so that has been nice. He tries to mimic words sometimes and is a lot of fun to play with. He likes to try to crawl over me and push cars around the room.

 The many faces of August Parker

Pumpkin carving!

 Riley and I sketched out a happy face for our pumpkin and went to town. She enjoyed scooping out the pumpkin guts and later toasting the seeds. She was apprehensive to try one but did anyway and liked them.

Riley as Elsa and August as a little monster (below)

August is almost 10 months in these pictures.
He has 6 teeth and I just noticed another one on the bottom popping through, so I am sure another will be quick to follow since they come in twos.

Babies are such quick learners; he can do the baby signs for milk, more, and all done.  He also waved bye-bye to Keenan when he was going back to work after lunch one day, so cute!

 Winter

 The first snowfall
   We had our first snow storm not too long ago and the next morning Riley and I had a lot of fun running around in it with our snow kitty and snow dog. She liked just running around and getting Quinny to chase sticks, but we also managed to build a snowman. It was a little tricky because the snow was a little dry and powdery but eventually we got it done. He turned out pretty cute!  She was sad to see him melt but we picked up our snowman stuff for the next time. Dante and Quinny had a lot of fun in the snow too.  Quinny (the cat) was really dainty about snow his first year outside but now it doesn't seem to bother him and he had plenty of fun chasing us around the yard. 

 Gingerbread Houses

 This year we did Thanksgiving down in Ottumwa. Stacy made a lot of wonderful food and we all enjoyed time together. August, who has been difficult to transition to eating much finger food, finally decided it was worth his time. He is even doing a little better with a sippy cup.

We decided to decorate gingerbread houses while we were there so the kids could decorate together. I baked extra gingerbread men so they could try that, too. Liv loved it and kept asking for more. They all enjoyed the opportunity for so much candy so soon after breakfast!  This was my favorite tradition and I am glad I get to keep it alive with my own children.  

Christmas is on its way. Soon after getting back from Ottumwa we went shopping for chex mix materials and Keenan made the first of many more to come.  I had to document the process in case anyone had doubts - Keenan was definitely in the kitchen!
    Riley and I went to work setting up the tree and putting the ornaments on. She loves her kitchen one and the Madagascar penguins because they talk. Riley loves decorations and comments on the lights quite frequently. I put up mouse pocket. I think it is just an advent calendar but it is the one I had growing up so it feels special to me.  Each day she can anticipate a candy waiting for her there. We also made a chain that will count down to Christmas, I hope that helps with the concept of time. Looking forward to seeing family again soon! 

The Rest of My Life

I'm so tired of crying in all the expected situations. I'm tired of encountering so many of those moments, far too many. Tired of the ache that comes with being tired and needing a good cry. I'm tired of how completely it wrecks me when it finally happens.

I'm tired of crying at the unexpected times, the happy moments that have nothing to do with Kyla. Tired of the awkward words as people try to think of something to say. I'm tired of brushing it off as if it's no big deal. Tired of my lying words as I sometimes don't acknowledge the death of my baby. I'm tired of the pain of being happy for somebody else's healthy baby.

I'm tired of remembering what it was like to hold her. Tired of reliving, over and over again, that moment when I didn't support her head properly and it flopped backwards. I'm tired of remembering that I could've held her a lot more, but I didn't. Tired of the regret that inevitably comes with the thoughts of that night. I'm tired of not knowing what color her eyes were. I'm tired of not being able to really remember what her skin felt like or how tiny her fingers were. I'm tired of looking at her pictures because they often remind me of how many more we could have had if I hadn't ended the session early. I'm tired of only having those pictures to remember her by.

I'm tired of remembering the endless wait at the hospital before the inducement began. Tired of remembering the confusion of the critical decisions that needed to be made in the meantime. Tired of remembering how unprepared I was to discuss whether I wanted to cover my baby in dirt and let her rot or burn her into a pile of ashes. I'm tired of the "grief literature" they gave us, as I'm sure hospital policy required them to. I'm tired of remembering how stupid it all sounded at the time, how detached it seemed. I'm tired of looking back and realizing how detached I was. Tired of the blurriness of it all.

I'm tired of remembering the awful knowledge of another round of contractions for Chelsea. I'm tired of remembering how much worse it was that time. Tired of remembering how unrewarding the pain was for her. I'm tired of remembering the utter helplessness of watching her endure the 15 minutes of drug-induced back-to-back-to-back-to-back hard labor contractions with no breaks. Tired of hearing her screams of pain in my head. I'm tired of knowing that I was too late in finally asking for the pain meds to be given to her. I'm tired of remembering that that was the reason she was barely lucid as she held our daughter in her arms for the first and almost last time.

I'm tired of remembering that I said no to the opportunity to bathe Kyla and dress her. Tired of remembering how weird I thought it was to hold a dead baby. I'm tired of remembering how the nurses bathed and dressed her anyway, probably shedding their own tears along the way. I'm tired of knowing that our photographer cried on her way home.

I'm tired of remembering how dead Kyla looked the next morning. Tired of knowing what death looks like. I'm tired of being part of the child loss community. Tired of the nonstop barrage of heartbreak after heartbreak as more doomed people join it.

I'm tired of remembering my parents' tears. Tired of seeing the pain in their eyes, the two-fold loss as they mourned the death of their granddaughter and the beginning of their son's pain.

I'm tired of reminding myself that the early morning wake-ups with Kyla's siblings are so much better than the alternative. I'm tired of looking at my life through the perpetual what-if-Kyla-were-here lens. I'm tired of her not being here. I'm tired of not knowing what her first word was. I'm tired of not knowing what it would have felt like to hold her close to me as she screamed.  Tired of never getting to watch her face light up when she sees me. I'm tired of knowing that no matter how good of a father I ever might be, I'll never get to hear her say that she loves me. Tired of whispering and sobbing my love at a wooden box on a glass shelf and a picture on a computer background.

I'm so tired, and it hasn't even been two years yet.

Summer Update

Family Weekend

August 1-3

 



   This weekend was the best kind of chaos! It was so many people that I can get a little overwhelmed but I truly enjoyed getting to spend some time with everyone. It felt like summer at its best. Swimming, family, grilling, farmers markets, etc. These are all the things that I long for when it has been cold for months and spring still isn't that close.  
    I love seeing how much the kids have changed each year.  This year the girls were all doing so well in the pool. Riley loves swimming and is a little too adventurous. Luckily she has the best grandparents and they help watch really closely.

Group shots

5 Year Wedding Anniversary

August 28

  It has been 5 years, 1 house and 3 kids. 5 years doesn't feel that long so I suppose that is a good thing.  We have experienced joy together and we have experienced heartbreak. I feel like we are closer and stronger because of all that we have done together. It is because of all of these opportunities that I am confident that I love him more.

 August is 8 months

 What! When did this happen? My baby is getting so big. He has 2 teeth and 2 more that are trying to make and appearance and are driving him crazy.  He can crawl anywhere he wants now, so keeping the gate up is a must. It is such a joy to see the look on his face as he accomplishes goals that I can see he has been trying so hard to do.  He likes to chase his sister around. Mostly she steals toys but it is so sweet when they play well together.

Ottumwa Balloon Races

Ottumwa has a balloon festival every year and this year I took Riley. She is finally old enough to really appreciate it.  We went for a few days and the kids got to run around together. The first night of night glow was cancelled because there was too much wind. The second night was good though, it was beautiful. We all ate on moms deck and saw some balloons drift by during the day then at dusk we went over to the park. Unfortunately they were already taking the balloons down but we caught a few of them. We got close so the Kids could see how big and beautiful the hot air balloons were.  Then after a bedtime routine Stacy and I passed out on the couch together for a whilefor some much needed sister time!