Olaf Sees Summer!

Riley just goofing around in her Olaf costume. She asks to have her picture taken now, which is funny.  It's interesting to see her pose, sometimes I get some funny ones. I really miss candids though; she sees that camera instantly.

 Riley says some sweet things sometimes. We have Kyla's picture up near our family picture and she said she wanted her in that one (the new family one with August). Don't we all, Riley. 

I knew she liked coffee because she is always asking for a taste.  The other day we were having steak so we opened a bottle of Frontenac from Snus Hill Winery that I had been saving. (It's hard to find a good time when one is breastfeeding.) She had the tiniest of sips and made an awful face.  Good, she doesn't like red wine yet. We jokingly asked if she wanted another sip and got a quick no as a response. Haha! 



 Pool Time!

Riley just adores going to swim in Grandma and Papa's pool. She talks about it all the time. This summer hasn't been the best for getting in the pool, but hopefully we will get in some more time before fall finds us. This coming weekend looks hot, hope you have enough sunscreen! 

She also really enjoyed her special time with Papa and Grandma at the zoo and Adventureland.  She talks about it a lot!


Olivia Turns 2

 Riley, August and I went to Ottumwa for Liv's party and to enjoy the 4th with them.  She had a lot of fun at her party.
     I took Riley to see her first fireworks display.  She liked it; she kept telling them to get back, though. They were so big I guess she thought they were too close!

Happy 1/2 Birthday August

We all have a lot of fun with August. He is growing and changing so fast. I have started feeding him solids; he did not like them for a while but is getting it now. August likes to talk and giggle and has started to get up on his knees and rock himself in a backwards motion. He doesn't know where he is going, but he is going there anyway! He looks so triumphant while he is doing it, so cute!

He had his 6 month appointment recently and he weighed in at 17 lb 4 oz, he is gaining really well.  

This and That

Pipers 3rd Birthday

Bubbles and Puddle Jumping....Yes Please!

 This has been such a rainy spring and now summer that Riley and I have gotten tired of waiting for the sunny days to go out and play.  She has a lot of energy and it needs to be used blowing bubbles and dancing in the rain!

      We also went strawberry picking last week which turned out to be expensive but really fun! It was a beautiful day and my friend Meredith decided to come which was nice. Riley had a blast and picked/ate a lot of berries. She was stained red head to toe when we were done but it was worth it. 
    After we got home I managed to can 20 pints with various sugar levels, I guess I will see what I prefer.  Luckily they all set and sealed. We also had plenty of berries left in the fridge for breakfasts.

 

August is  5 months

August was 5 months on June 7th. He is a really easy, really happy baby. I love to play games with him because he will giggle up a storm and that causes me  to laugh then it just gets crazy. He is becoming much more vocal and trying to make new sounds, he makes the funniest faces while he is doing it.
     He still isn't sleeping through the night but that is okay with me because it makes me more confident that I will be able to breastfeed longer.  He is getting better at only waking me up once a night then not making my morning start at 4, which is great. I figure its because he is still spitting up so much he must get hungry sooner. 
   Yesterday he learned to flip from back to tummy unassisted.

A Call to Action

Ladies, feel free to read along, but this post is specifically for the guys. With Father's Day right around the corner, it only makes sense, right? Father's Day is traditionally a time to celebrate the dads of the world, in all their shapes and sizes. It's a time to acknowledge your appreciation for who your father is and what he's done for you. It's a time for dads to get patted on the back. But I think it should be more than that. I think it's also an opportunity for us dads to reflect on our concepts of fatherhood and manhood and decide how that vision will shape who we are - as husbands, fathers, and human beings, specifically in regards to child loss.

When I've written posts that attempt to explore and explain my thoughts and feelings regarding Kyla, the vast majority of the feedback I've received is from women. The vast majority of the people who approach me and talk with me about it are women. Women form the active majority of the child loss community. And that makes me sad (and a little angry), because every single child out there, of every age and size, has a father. Almost every mother out there who's lost a baby has a man who is experiencing the exact same loss that she is, whether he admits it or not. And yet it's generally the women who look for support. It's the mothers who reach out to help each other. It's the women who are allowed to cry and break apart and be depressed.

Why?

Is it because men don't need to be comforted? Do we simply not feel the pain? Do we truly just float through life, unaffected by the troubles of supposedly weaker people? Is it because we are hiding from the grief, scared shitless of what it may do to us? Is it because we see the woman we love crumbling into the ashes of our baby's cremated body? Do we stand firmly on dry ground, refusing to cry because we think that's what she really needs? Do we put on a tough face, thinking that will make everything better for everybody? Do we stand "strong" because that's what, deep down inside, we actually want to do? Do we not want to scream at the top of our lungs and tear apart the hospital room and funeral home and shoot something and punch a lot of somethings and curl up on the floor in a puddle of confusion and sadness?

Why aren't we a bigger part of this?

There are a lot of resources out there for women that explain how to connect with us, their seemingly unaffected men. There are also some studies which show that, in general, men and women grieve differently. But why is that? Do baby boys and baby girls naturally cry about different things? No. Do toddler boys not cry when they miss their mommy? No. So why the difference? Why are women generally more open with their emotions while men generally aren't? What changes from childhood to adulthood? There are probably some biological reasons as well, but I think this trend of not showing emotion is more societal than natural. Society tells us that boys don't cry and girls do. Society tells us that we need to be the strong ones because "everybody knows women aren't." Society mocks us for sensitivity and praises us for a shallow, incomplete definition of courage and strength. But here's the real problem: we are society. We are equally to blame for the stereotypes. During calm seas, we're perpetually setting this obscure, abstract, feel-good standard for ourselves - and then we feel obligated to meet that standard while in the midst of the storm, whether it makes sense or not.

Guess what, guys? It doesn't make sense to hide our emotions. It doesn't make sense to close ourselves off from pain. And it certainly doesn't make any sense to alienate our women, the only people in the world who are actually experiencing the exact same thing that we are, right here and now. It's time for us to step up, own our grief, and be fathers - the raw, messy, unpretentious version. It's time for us to acknowledge that there truly are things in life worth crying about, and if the death of our children isn't one of them, we may as well get our tear ducts surgically removed. It's time for us to turn and face the mothers of our children and hug them - not because they need a hug, but because we do. It's time for us fathers to open our hearts to the pain inside us and the world around us and let society think whatever they want to think. Because living any other way is a lie - to ourselves, to our women, and to our children.

Go ahead, cry a little - you might be surprised at the results. You might discover how little you truly know about courage and strength as you find that your woman is the strongest person you've ever known.

Go ahead, listen a little. You might find that your heart breaks for other people's pain, making you a better human being on a daily basis, giving of yourself to a depth you didn't know existed.

Go ahead, talk a little. You might find friends who understand the very core of who you are now, even if you just met them. And you might find that some of your old friends just don't get it, and that's absolutely fine.

Go ahead, be a grieving father to a dead child. It's okay. I am, too. Do I cry about it? You're goddamned right I do.

Birthdays and other things!

 Easter in Marion

Riley got to dye Easter eggs for the first time with Grandma. She had a lot of fun seeing all the colors they made. She also got to do an egg hunt in the front yard. She is getting so big!
    Then Papa played his new guitar for us and Riley accompanied him on the piano, what a team.  This was also our first trip out of Ames with August.

Meeting Lucy

 It always feels so special to take a trip to meet a new baby. The Munsons were nice enough to let us visit shortly after getting home and settling in with Lucy.  The girls had a blast running around playing together and they took turns holding Lucy. She is so tiny and sweet. Doesn't Piper look so proud to be a big sister?

                 

August and Lucy didn't look too excited, though.

Picking Dandelions at Aunt Stacy's

I went to Ottumwa recently to go plant shopping like every year. I stayed a few extra days, the kids had so much fun that first day just running around the yard together. Stacy and I got some sister time, too, so it was altogether a really fun trip!

 Riley Turns 3

 August is 4 months

August is growing fast. So much change happens that first year. Now he is smiling and laughing. He really loves to interact and to be tickled. He giggles a lot just like Riley. He is really a very easy baby as far as the under-one crowd goes. Riley loves to follow us around and try to mother him too. She mimics everything.

He had his 4 month appoint and is doing well. He is only in the 31% for weight but he eats well and seems happy. We chatted about how much he spits up and she called him a happy spitter because he just does it. I guess some babies cry when they spit up because they have acid reflux. But, not to worry, he should outgrow it by 9 months to a year. I just added to my collection of burp cloths and try to feed him more often in hopes that he keeps more down.

Riley's Party

Wow Riley is three already. It's amazing! I love hearing her viewpoint on things, it's often so different from my own. Having kids is wonderful, loud, and full of hugs and tears. It's like being let back into kid world again, I am not sure when I became an adult and when the world stopped being magical, but I still get a glimpse now and then as I get to see her imagination at work. We fight a lot. Ugh, I hate fighting with her. I suppose with that, only the content of the argument will change. In the blink of an eye it will go from her being mad at me because she can't take her stuffed kitty outside to how late curfew is set. I love her and am just going to try to soak in as much of the magic as I can amidst the everyday chaos of getting the laundry done and making dinner.

Riley was looking forward to her birthday party all week. She loved the decorations and filling the house to the brim with family and friends. It's always interesting to try to rearrange the furniture to fit as many people as we can. I love the chaos of watching the kids run all around. It's hilarious that she wanted to blow the candle out but she didn't want to eat the cake, maybe next year I will make birthday peanut butter cookies instead! Where will I put the candle? Hmm.

Pictures from today

Riley tried to blow this allium just like a giant dandelion this morning, it was so cute.