Kyla

This is a difficult post for Chelsea and I to make. I'm not really sure how to start it, and I'm not really sure how to end it. I guess it'll just have to be what it is. I think you'll understand.

 How Many Children Do You Have?

-Valerie Larson Minihan

"How many children do you have?" they ask.

Oh, that dreaded question.

"How much time do you have," I wonder silently to myself.

Do you really want to know? And do you really care?

Am I up to going through the entire crazy, confusing tale?

If you have the time, my friend, here's the answer I will give ...

I have children that dance and children that sing,

children that cuddle all kinds of live things,

children with freckles and dimples and bows,

children that run through the sprinkler and hose,

children that color (on paper and walls),

ones that love stomping and jumping in puddles,

children that ask, "What is that for?"

and spill glasses and glasses of milk on the floor,

children that laugh and children that cry,

and constantly ask Mommy and Daddy, "Why?"

But I have one that is different, set apart from the rest,

one I've never known the joy of nursing at my breast.

One we cannot cuddle, one we cannot hold,

though we will in our hearts as we grow old.

She I cannot rock when stormy is the night,

or tuck snugly in bed with the fading of day's light.

Though here with my now, four is all that you see,

"I have five children," I'd say, with a glance towards the sky,

"Four that can run and one that can fly."

 As some of you already know, on January 15th, Chelsea went in for her normal, scheduled 30 week pregnancy checkup. During the routine heartbeat check, they were unable to find a pulse, so they did an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed that our baby had died. We induced labor that afternoon and at 12:21am on Thursday, January 16th, Kyla Gehman was delivered stillborn.
A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took some free photos for us, which was greatly appreciated. Here are some of those photos that capture a few of the brief, precious moments we had with our daughter.

 her little hands and feet are perfect

To Kyla

There's something bewildering about all of this. This simply was not how it was supposed to go. This wasn't even on my radar.

Yes, Mommy and I both understood that a pregnancy wasn't a guarantee. Yes, the secrecy during your first trimester was because of the higher chance of losing you before we even met you. Yes, we waited, none too patiently, to tell anybody the wonderful news. But then came the first ultrasound and there was the undeniable proof. Your tiny, active body evaded detection as the ultrasound tech tried to pin you down and get a good look at you. And the 28th week passed by, and we were confident in you - in your life, your viability. So you will have to forgive us for thinking you were a sure thing, for looking past the final few months and planning our new life together - wondering how much you would be similar to (and different from) your older sister, imagining the two of you playing together, already feeling the joy of watching you grow. Our imaginations and our dreams and our hopes came up with all sorts of scenarios for what it would be like to meet you and get to know you. But not this. Never this.

When Riley was born, I felt the strangest mixture of awe and pride and respect and love for Mommy. It was a new mix of feelings, and I loved every bit of it. Mommy went through a lot of pain, but the reward, your sister, is worth it all infinity-fold. I was excited and nervous while Mommy expressed her pain. And I cried a bit out of sheer exhaustion and happiness when I saw Riley for the first time. But this time was different. This time I cried for Mommy as she felt the most unrewarding pain in the world. And when your lungs just couldn't cry out like they were supposed to, I cried for you. When your tiny, limp fingers wouldn't hold on to mine, I cried for you. When your unprepared eyes never opened to see this beautiful world and the amazing life you would have known, I cried for you. I'm still crying for you. And even if the tears ever dry up, my heart will always cry for the one inside you that will never beat again.

"It's impossible to say goodbye," Mommy said as we desperately held each other next to your lifeless body. And in a way she was completely wrong, because of course it's possible to cry the tears and say the words and walk away, and of course it's possible to move on with life. But mostly she was right. Because despite all the tears, despite the spoken words that echo in your silence, despite the effort to turn towards our future without you, we will never forget you, and we will never finish saying goodbye.

-Daddy

Christmas 2013

 Nabholz Christmas





This year we started our Christmas in Ottumwa with the Nabholz side.  The weather was perfect for the drive down but then about 8 inches of snow fell during the night.  Keenan then took it upon himself to shovel moms many walks and her large driveway and deck all by himself. He was really feeling it the rest of the trip.

Riley warming up after a bath and eating breakfast with daddy

Mom was busy making all of her usual Christmas candy and to Keenan's delight she was also making chex mix. He found the smell irresistible and ate some before it even made it to the oven.

Liam and Olivia look so cute here!

It was fun to see everyone. Aunt Wanda came for the Christmas meal and Diane stayed the night.  Liam, Riley and Olivia seemed to really enjoy opening their gifts. Liam was going to pass out presents until he realized that he can't read the tags yet. Next year will be even crazier with another kid in the mix.

Gehman Christmas

      
 On Christmas morning we had to wake up Riley.  She was sleepy but still smiled as she was coming around.  That's more of a me thing and less of a Keenan thing. At least I have that, he likes to credit himself with her ability to sleep through the night well. I do appreciate that skill.
     She enjoyed exploring what treasures were in her stocking and playing with them before going to the kitchen to eat the traditional coffee cake ring. Yum!

Grandma reading Piper and Riley one of their stocking stuffers

  


Riley is opening her big gift! She started playing with her new kitchen before it made it out of the paper. Grandpa and Grandma did such a beautiful job. She even has a cute pink kitchen ornament to remember the Christmas that she recieved it.

 The slopes/ bunny hill

I was surprised at the warm days we
had to play in the snow during our visit because it has been so cold since we got home. It was the perfect day for Ainsley and Kaleb to build such a nice snowman.  Riley and Piper are learning to play better together. Provided everyone has had their nap and eaten recently, haha. It was cute watching them mimic Ainsley. Riley is chattier when she is around them.  Too bad we don't just live a little closer.

 Family Picture Time

Riley photo shoot

           Through some experience I have found that taking photos of a very active 1 year old is a challenge. She sits for seconds at a time then rushes off for her next adventure. This is part of why I haven't posted very frequently. During the course of this shoot my model was happy, sad, shy, thoughtful, adventurous and at times rebellious. In the end I think I got the money shot. Sure took some patience and a quick trigger finger to get it. Thank goodness my house has so many windows. It allows for pretty good light even on an overcast day.  I did get some blur in some of the photos which is frustrating but she moves at the speed of light.
    I am a little sad because I think all of our snow is going to melt before arriving at the grandparents and I packed a cute pink snowsuit for Riley and was looking forward to testing it out on the bunny hill

This girl makes me laugh

This ones my favorite!

          Merry Christmas!

Christmas time!

Fall Flashback

           Fall went very fast this year.  It went from hot weather to very few 70 degree days before it was 50 degrees or less.  I was a little disappointed because Fall is my favorite season and I didn't get to have the backyard campfires that I dreamed of. My branch pile will still be there this spring then I can have all the toasted mashmallows that I want.  

         Riley got to be our little helper when it came to cleaning up the abundance of leaves that end up in the backyard every year.  She loved running around and throwing them into the air and gettting buried in a leaf pile by daddy.  While we were playing one of her shoes came off. Just try finding a tiny brown shoe in a leaf pile that takes over 20 bags to clean up.  It took a while but I found it. I was afraid it would get bagged and never be seen again.

 December

    I am excited to make Christmas a magical time of year for Riley.  Just like I remember as a child. Nothing is quite the same as an adult when there is work and bills to be paid.  But as a child Christmas is such a wonderful and beautiful time.  A time when snow was an exciting thing to go play in and not a burden to be cleaned up.  My sister and I would listen to Christmas carols and bake sugar cookies together then enjoy decorating them while watching a Christmas movie.  It was so much fun to decorate gingerbread houses every year. I look forward to sharing that tradition with Riley when she is old enough to enjoy it. 
     It is going to be a white Christmas this year so maybe we will get to experience sledding for the first time. I am packing her snow suit just in case. All of those firsts are so exciting and so special.  It's fun to see how much Riley has grown and changed.  I am sure she will make an excellent big sister.

 I am busy getting ready for the next baby. It is exciting to rearrange Riley's room.  She seems excited about the toddler bed that is in there now. I also had fun sewing up some small diapers for the new one. We are due to meet him or her come March.  It's far and fast approaching at the same time.  I already feel quite large and the baby hasn't even started to fatten up yet but it sure does a lot of tumbling around. How exciting!

      Riley isn't quite old enough but I but on some jazzy Christmas music and set in to make some sugar cookies with her. She actually stayed on a step ladder really well and enjoyed playing with the cookie cutters and the dough.  It was snowing outside so what a perfect day for baking up a batch of cookies.  She especially enjoyed getting to try the final product.

 Can't wait to see everyone for the Holidays! Should be fun this year as always!